"Merry Christmas Dad. You seem to need more help. Let's look at assisted living homes while I'm here." "Happy Holidays mom. We've hired someone to come in five days a week now to help you."
Is that a temptation for you now? I'm reading several things online about using holiday family gatherings to work out living arrangements with and for our aging parents. I imagine organizations suggest that timing because holidays bring family together in one place. But I don't know many parents who want to mix their holiday experience with a serious discussion about their age limitations or need for increased help. Holidays hold so many expectations but talking about your own decline isn't one of them.
Things may have changed in your parent's life but not their fundamental human nature. You know what happens if you talk to someone about something they don't want to hear? Resistance. Be gentle with yourself and your parent. You'll need to work together from now on so focus on building trust and comaraderie. If you first learn that your parent needs more help during a trip home for the holidays then you're facing a life change and so is your parent. The most important thing you can do now is take a deep breath. Solutions and discussions can wait until the New Year.
Sometimes it's hard to do nothing. Many of us suffer the temptation that we can fix problems. That's aggravated by the sometimes urgent needs our parents seem to present but, by the time you've noticed that they need more help, your parents will have been living with the conditions for awhile. Get involved or bring in assistance, yes, you must. But unless your circumstance absolutely prevents you from working through your parent's needs after the holiday or your parent's condition is an emergency or memory of time is diminished wait till holidays and birthdays pass to have serious discussion or to take action.
Make holidays a time for celebration. Feel like you have to be doing something about your parent's situation? Use your time together to talk about and record family history or old times. Do that for yourself and your parent. When you go home seek information from senior organizations and look on the net for help with your coming decisions. Consider joining support groups or online groups for adult children of aging parents. You're not alone in your dilemmas. The more supported you are the better you'll be at providing support for your parents. Be respectful of the change this brings to your life and be mindful of the sea change your parent is going through. Give yourself the gift of time now. Enjoy the holiday.
