Becoming a Caregiver For Loved Ones
- Written by J.J.
Becoming a caregiver for someone aging or seriously ill is usually something we never expect to experience. It's often an unfamiliar role that can become overwhelming. It may consume increasing time, mounting financial resources, and management of medical decisions or procedures that we never anticipated we could handle. We can become so swept up in the process of intensifying care that we don't have time to consider how it may have upended roles we used to play before illness or age necessitated our help. In fact, we may become caregivers so gradually that we don't even realize that's who we are now. Caregiving can slowly transform our relationships into bonds built around illness or aging that nurture a compassion we never knew we possessed.
As we become caregivers we naturally direct increasing amounts of energy to the support of another. When the needs of another are at a maximum it may seem illogical to put energy into wrestling time for ourselves but creating time for self care is the most important thing we can do to stay grounded and become better caregivers. Time for ourselves helps us recharge and balance. Time away from our caregiving situation helps us gain perspective. Support yourself by researching the problem that drew you into this role but, more importantly, support yourself by turning to friends, seeking professional support groups, reading about the experience of others in your position, and insisting on making personal time independent of your new role. Maybe that's as short a break as watching a movie with friends, taking a walk around the neighborhood each day or simply enjoying a long shower. Self care ultimately enables us to bring our best to the aid of someone else.
As we're drawn into a caregiving interrelationship with someone, usually a loved one, it's common to have feelings of isolation. Though we may feel alone, at times, in our circumstance, it may surprise you to know that 42% of the U.S. workforce cared for an aging parent or friend in the past five years! In fact, half the U.S. workforce expects to care for aging parents in the coming five years and one in four of us aged 49-64 currently face the maturing experience of becoming caregivers for ailing parents or partners and injured, sick children and friends.
As more and more of us engage in caregiving, statistics emerge that sketch a very human picture of the average caregiver. She's employed and entering midlife. She's white, Asian, Latina, or African American. According to an AARP Family Caregiving report, she cares for her mother after work and offers at least 20 hours a week in support. To honor her responsibilities she may change her own life. She may cut back on working hours, change jobs, or retire early. And, besides the immediate strain, she'll face consequences far into her life from her decisions and experiences right now. She may later face impacts on her earnings or career trajectory and trouble with her own health and well being.
Her caregiving journey will include main transitions: starting out/realizing help is needed, learning how to help, giving increasing help, and letting go. Each stage carries learning and new awareness and every transition brings more maturity and greater emotional investment. It isn't uncommon for both patient and caregiver to seek mental health support to manage the strong feelings that they'll encounter. Caregiving is transformational. The website CAN, offering caregiver resources catered to particular circumstance, was the inspiration of two women coping with their own roles as family caregivers.
If you're becoming a caregiver for an aging or seriously ill loved one you're entering a new world of change. You're witness now to the frailty of someone you love and you live in an environment of increasing vulnerability and need. You may come to know exasperation and heartbreak, exhaustion and hidden wells of strength. You may experience a range of feelings or have times you can't imagine life afterward and times you feel like "afterwards" will never come. Your caregiving relationship is unique yet aspects of your circumstance are shared by millions of people in the country. I hope you meet people with the capacity to understand and have friends who will listen and offer support. When you become a caregiver you step up in someone's life with the profound gift of time and love. Remember to care for yourself and you'll find the energy and strength you need to go the unknown distance with someone in need.
Update 3 March: Because caregiving experiences can be drastically different depending on the circumstance and your relationship to the person you care for I'm including a few strong links on the subject with more targeted focus.
A wife and psychotherapist talks about the sometimes special strain of caring for a husband.
Caring for a spouse after the age of 70. How does it differ for men and women?
Supporting a friend who has cancer with light caregiving.
Good tips on how to talk with and help friends that are coping with cancer (and terminal illnesses).
Children who become their parent's primary caregiver.
Great set of blogs about caregiving at the end of a loved one's life. These blogs cover a range of topics including life after caregiving and what to do when caregiving experiences or your feelings about them become too intense to manage.
Update May 2013 This site, created by a couple who both faced serious health challenges, writes: "If caregiving was classified a sport, it would be an EXTREME sport because it requires dedication and commitment second to none."
Update June 2014 Very good article on tips for avoiding caregiver burnout. The article is specifically addressing Alzheimer's caregivers but the tips apply to most people who are in home caregivers.
Update March 2015: Lovely and honest tribute to family caregiving
Update May 2016: "The dollar value of the informal care that family and friends provide for older Americans totals an estimated $522 billion a year—more than total Medicaid spending ($449 billion in 2014), according to Chari and colleagues (2015)." Just one of the findings of new research on family caregivers.
Discounts for 50+
- Written by J.J.
What do Amtrak, US Forest Service, Applebees, Hallmark, and AMC theatres have in common? They, and hundreds of other businesses and organizations give special savings to older Americans. Discounts are everywhere ranging from free soft drinks in many fast food restaurants to breaks on property tax in many states. Grocery stores will often give 5-10% savings for older americans, special travel deals are still available, even the occasional gas station offers a 10% price break. It all adds up! Have you tried asking? The sooner you use 50+ deals the more you'll save over your lifetime.
Most of these discounts for older Americans are designed locally. Their parameters vary, the starting age ranges from 50 to 65, and most of them are invisible unless you ask. Many of the price breaks in retail are deepest on store brands or only during certain days or hours but with savings of 10% on groceries, for instance, you may be willing and able to schedule your shopping to meet those guidelines. Like all market interactions you're advised to carefully note the particular guidelines for saving and remember the mantra "buyer beware." Senior discounts aren't always the best offer as Time outlined late last year--- but that's no reason not to ask.
Couple "senior discounts" with any savings you may already gain from an organizational affiliation such as AAA or AARP and any couponing or sales surfing you may already do and you might capture sizable enough savings to bolster your financial savings. Once you realize the value of exercising your 50+ percs branch out and explore the world of discounts and freebies for every age! Why not?
If you're not already exploring deals for older Americans I urge you to begin. Hesitating? Maybe you don't want to ask if there's a "senior discount" because it brings up an image that doesn't really fit who you are? As we've become more active, fit, and involved in many different lifestyles we feel stronger about not being affiliated with the term "senior" and perhaps more self reliant than at any other time in history. Maybe you don't feel like you need a small discount? Okay. Sometimes we're also discouraged from saving because it requires us to declare our age. Anytime you change your mind these great savings will be there for you! So many people get discounts in today's world: AAA members, club members, and holders of a variety of retail card memberships to name a few. Being older is simply another way to save. I hope you try it.
How can you get started? First of all ask at the customer service desk or phone line of the companies you patronize including your television and telephone services. When you query television and telephone companies let them know if you're on a fixed income. Secondly ask your mayor's office or local chamber of commerce if there are any special 50+ discounts in your community government or retail core. Thirdly, explore the databases online. Seniordiscounts.com boasts the largest database searchable by city and category but their blog stopped posting four months ago so add to that the up to the minute resources of Skiddy.com, also seachable by category and location, or the strong list of mainstream companies that offer "senior discounts" (including amt and the starting age honored) at 2019 Biggest List of Senior Discounts. If you're already enjoying this world of savings leave us a comment and share your inspiration and experience!
Update March 2014 check out Kiplinger's list of 66 of this year's freebies!
Update 2016 The Best List of Senior Discounts is also on Facebook. The Pennyhoarder.com narrows discounts down to the author's 100 favorite. They include fast food discounts, travel oriented savings, and some health related discounts. You'll find national cell phone plans for 65+ at the Senior Discounts List. By the way one store I haven't seen on lists is Starbucks. Some stores give seniors a discounted cup of drip coffee. Try asking your store for the "senior coffee" if you're 60. Every list has at least one surprise so try them all!
The Case for Facebook: Are You There Yet?
- Written by J.J.
Are you on Facebook? If so, I hope you'll join me in giving a "like" to Way2Age's new Facebook page either while you're on Facebook or by pushing the thumbs up "like" button on this site's main page. Did you know that a recent Pew Internet study shows over 60% of adults 65 through 76 are online and one in three use social networking sites like Facebook? Those of us over 76 also use Facebook but in lesser numbers so far, however, Internet trends are such that these figures may already be understated. By June of 2012 Facebook had attracted 71% of all Internet users in the U.S and by October had 1 billion users Internationally. In other words, if you're on Facebook you're sharing that experience with most of your countrymen and a good many of the people on earth. If you're not on Facebook---why are you waiting?
Who said Facebook was for college kids? Almost half of all Facebook members are over 45! Most people use Facebook to keep in touch with family and friends. That's how I got involved and that's what convinced my mother to join albeit, at 84 then, reluctantly. Facebook can sometimes seem a bit inappropriate, immature and ill suited to our age as this 66 year old Facebook member jokes and I think many of you and my mother would agree, yet, once you get used to Facebook it can be liberalizing. "Friends" you choose on Facebook aren't limited to family and friends in real life. Indulge your fancy and make friends with a favorite author or Hollywood star.
Another great feature on Facebook are pages like the new one Way2Age has established. In that sense, it's a customized news and entertainment source. I feel like I'm more current on issues I really care about since I joined. Mom likes to have a good laugh and she loves posts from the many humor pages. Organizations and retail stores of all kinds are there. When you "like" them they send everything from special deals to breaking political news. You can read the notices or forget about them letting them drop down in the queue. Increasingly, I find myself talking with my real time friends about news I learned from Facebook pages!
Facebook's ability to keep us in touch with extended family and friends is by far its greatest value. Mom and I know more about our family from Facebook then we'd learned in the last twenty years. We see photos of the children regularly, we know who is on vacation and where and what causes and faiths interest them. Though we love that Facebook makes it easy to remember their birthdays--- sometimes its full of more information than we needed to know! I'm sure many of you would agree. But that's no reason not to join.
Are you wondering how to become a Facebook member ? Kind of interested but wanting to try it out? You may find that learning about and being on Facebook increases your socialization online and off. Start by finding a Facebook class or online tutorial. Check your local library. Many city libraries offer Facebook and computer literacy classes that are packed with interested new students over the age of 50. If you live in a retirement or assisted living community you may already have encountered computer, Faceboook, or Skype literacy classes. Take the plunge and I'll hope to see you there!
Update: March 2015 You have to laugh at this article about a 114 year old who had to lie about her age to join Facebook.
Photos and Identity
- Written by J.J.
Maybe, like me, you took photos during the holidays or, maybe, you were the target of someone else's camera eye! Photos and cameras seem to be everywhere these days. A casual photography enthusiast last century may have ordered double copies of prints from Kodak but now, with digital photography, we take hundreds of shots because everything is deletable and manipulable. Subsequently, photography is rapidly changing and assuming a larger role in our lives. But what do photographs mean to us? Has the ease and intimacy of photography created a recorded personal history that's foundational to our identity? Have you ever wondered? As a caregiver and photography hobbyist questions like these are part of my life.
Think about a couple of young lovers, for example, taking a cell phone pic of their embrace. We know that the photo represents their moment of joy together--the photo has built in emotional responses. When either partner accesses the picture they remember that moment and their love. But, as we age, memories blur or take on different meanings. Photos from youth then represent a moment we can't recreate and their existence stands in for an identity or reality that has changed with time.
Maybe that's one reason we hang onto our pictures. Maybe we're attempting to understand our life as it changes over time or hold onto the meanings life had in moments gone by. We collect photos that record our: birth, childhood, graduations, marriages and so forth. We gaze at photos taken by others because they capture a perspective of us that may be intriguing or new. Photos of early childhood, for instance, capture our image before we even have complete awareness --long before we become who we are today!
Though we rarely look at our collection, we hold on to it preserving it in special places. That was the case with an 84 year old friend of mine who recently shared his collection of childhood photos and lifetime memories with me. After his wife died last year, he initiated the difficult process of downsizing. Childless and without close relatives, everything was his now to keep or throw out and many of the photographs [boxes of them] had to go, he said. Handing me a photo of himself looking coyly into the camera eye at 6 dressed in vest, spats, and a cowboy hat he remarked, "I feel like I'm throwing away half my life."
Photos have something to do with our identity yet the pictures we save aren't usually photos of us in professions or occupations where we devote so much time and energy. Why don't we preserve that identity in pictures I've wondered. Why do we save photos of: family and friends, vacations and avocations, pets etc. Is it because they tell the personal story about our life and, as a collection, say something about who we really are?
If we look closely enough at our photos what could we understand? That's what I've wondered since helping a friend scan his collection of prints--all of them---onto CD's to preserve and share. He was in his fifties when he had the random misfortune of contracting incurable illness prompting the project. Some of the digitized photos became facebook profile pics or posts while he was still living. All were sent to family. Many were part of the powerpoint slide show projected at his memorial. I asked him once if he would like to create a memoir or a narrative about his life before he died. He looked blankly at the scanner then at me and I realized the photos were the memoir. They said all he had to say about life and living.
Photos preserve the memory of people who are no longer with us and people we no longer are. They anchor our memory but can also confront us with a past we no longer recognize. For instance, photos are an essential tool for people with memory loss. They aid recall and identification and help in preserving social interaction as this blog illustrates. If identity starts to slip away, photo albums can help others understand who we were and symbolize preservation of self or the ordering of one's life. However, as I learned in interaction with advancing dementia, there are times when opening the photographic record can trigger anxiety and confoundment. Where was that photo taken? I don't remember being there! Who are those people? Oh, what are their names! When photos fail to prompt memory they present potentially disturbing challenges and may instead prompt troubled emotions.
Photographs tell the story of who we've been and where we've been. They record the world around us and may provide clues to the world within. They record a reality that's already past and an identity that's changed through time. As we look at images of ourself or others, we feel the response of memory and/or emotion "Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph," Simon and Garfunkel sung in 1968 and today, though photography is changing, pictures still offer proof that we were once children, once happy to be alive or once someone we no longer remember. Are they a foundation for our identity? I think so. What do you think?