Holidays and Aging Parents
- Written by J.J.
"Merry Christmas Dad. You seem to need more help. Let's look at assisted living homes while I'm here." "Happy Holidays mom. We've hired someone to come in five days a week now to help you."
Is that a temptation for you now? I'm reading several things online about using holiday family gatherings to work out living arrangements with and for our aging parents. I imagine organizations suggest that timing because holidays bring family together in one place. But I don't know many parents who want to mix their holiday experience with a serious discussion about their age limitations or need for increased help. Holidays hold so many expectations but talking about your own decline isn't one of them.
Things may have changed in your parent's life but not their fundamental human nature. You know what happens if you talk to someone about something they don't want to hear? Resistance. Be gentle with yourself and your parent. You'll need to work together from now on so focus on building trust and comaraderie. If you first learn that your parent needs more help during a trip home for the holidays then you're facing a life change and so is your parent. The most important thing you can do now is take a deep breath. Solutions and discussions can wait until the New Year.
Sometimes it's hard to do nothing. Many of us suffer the temptation that we can fix problems. That's aggravated by the sometimes urgent needs our parents seem to present but, by the time you've noticed that they need more help, your parents will have been living with the conditions for awhile. Get involved or bring in assistance, yes, you must. But unless your circumstance absolutely prevents you from working through your parent's needs after the holiday or your parent's condition is an emergency or memory of time is diminished wait till holidays and birthdays pass to have serious discussion or to take action.
Make holidays a time for celebration. Feel like you have to be doing something about your parent's situation? Use your time together to talk about and record family history or old times. Do that for yourself and your parent. When you go home seek information from senior organizations and look on the net for help with your coming decisions. Consider joining support groups or online groups for adult children of aging parents. You're not alone in your dilemmas. The more supported you are the better you'll be at providing support for your parents. Be respectful of the change this brings to your life and be mindful of the sea change your parent is going through. Give yourself the gift of time now. Enjoy the holiday.
New Year's Resolutions
- Written by J.J.
Do you set New Year resolutions? I sometimes do. Over the years I've pledged to spend more time with friends, decided to cook more and committed to visiting my parent more often with varying results. Know what I mean?
When I was younger it didn't seem to matter if I met my resolutions and, if it mattered too much, I didn't have to set any more resolutions. There was always the next year anyway. When I turned fifty though resolutions and follow through took on graver meanings and I welcomed the new year's energy to inspire me to set new goals. Spending more time with friends wasn't a casual hope after the death of my first friend. Cooking more often became essential in order to cope with new health challenges. Visiting my parent wasn't an intention after 50 it was a necessary factor in her well being.
Living includes many events, at all times of year, that prompt us to be more responsible or to create strategic responses that improve our lives or the lives of others. Since many of those resolutions are serious and business-like such as writing a will or getting regular checkups I don't want to squander New Year's resolutions on more of the same. This year I'm going to set New Year's resolutions that disrupt the progressively pragmatic and responsible schedule of my life.
Rather than making a goal for long term commitment or more huge personal change I'm going to treat myself to the little shifts that allow me more freedom in life. This won't require alot of resources or a flight to somewhere I've never been. I can derive a similar break in routine by driving home a different way every other week or turning a new corner in my beautiful city. Why try to allocate alot of time manifesting change? I can stop for coffee in the cafe I always walk by, say "hello how are you" to someone I typically pass, or turn my dial to a new radio frequency. Get good sleep, yes, but I want to wake up at the crack of dawn to take a hike this summer or run down to the water's edge to see a late night sunset.
Life happens in moments not years. This New Year I'm just planning to embrace and enjoy more of those moments. How about you?
Age, Wisdom, and Going with the Flow
- Written by J.J.
As I move into midlife and begin to see how my perception shifts I confront deeper questions and wonder how our world will change. What helps me to cope with those uncertainties and thoughts is the company of people older than I am. It's true, in my experience, that wisdom comes with age and I'm deeply influenced by my elders. The most valuable skill I'm learning is how to go with the flow. It's a state of being that I absorb when I'm with my older friends. They help me to be mellow and less reactive to life. So it wasn't a big surprise this week when I discovered that science is now proving that wisdom comes with age.
As we age, science said in 2010, we're less impacted by dopamine, a neurotransmitter that regulates, among other things, emotions which results in more thoughtful reactions and less impulsive decision making. This year a study found that our older brains are better at allocating resources and less impacted by negative reinforcement. Most science is finding that our aging brains are still able to learn quite well though there are cognitive impacts as the brain ages. A primary defense against those impacts is social interaction. So I hope that my older friends are deriving as much benefit from socializing with me as I am in socializing with them.
Though science is just beginning to evidence the values of age, longevity has been a value to civilization for eons and is credited by some scientists for our species evolution. It wasn't until longevity began to increase that cultures learned to accumulate information, pass on learning and build social bonds giving our modern species the competitive edge to develop into the strong and inquisitive people we are today.
By 2035 1 in 5 people are projected to be over 65. Never before in human history will there have been so many older people. Time tells us that age can move cultures and species forward. I know how much the wisdom of my older friends has changed my personal life and moved me forward. Can you imagine a day when the wisdom of older generations moves our nation forward giving everyone a lesson in thoughtful decision making and going with the flow?
Update April 2015: Author Jeanette Leardi lists six ways elders can save the world!
Making Life Better
- Written by J.J.
What am I doing to make life better? It's a question I'm often asking myself. Sometimes the answer involves theater or visiting friends both of which improve my quality of life. Sometimes I want to feel useful and I look for opportunities to make a difference in the lives of others.
Many of us help others. Between the ages of 55-65, 27% of us do it and, after 65, almost 24% volunteer according to the Bureau of Labor and Statistics. In short, approximately 1 in 4 of us donate our time and skills to improve a life, a business, or an organization.
If we connect with a pleasant volunteer cause we typically donate larger amounts of time than other age groups and research tells us that our time is well spent. Volunteering feels good and it provides health benefits to our bodies and minds. A recent study focusing on Experience Corps volunteers (school tutors 55 and older) found less depression, better memory retention, and greater physical vitality as a result of volunteering.
How do I make my life better? By doing something. Almost anything will do. If I take action to give myself a treat or meet friends it improves my life and if I reach out to help others I get a reciprocal effect. Volunteering gives me as much or more benefit then I give away. If you’re wondering about volunteering but don’t know how to get involved I’ve got good news for you. The internet makes it easy. Now there are sites like volunteermatch.org which pair us with situations where our interests and skills fit.
You know what I do to make life better. Tell me, what do you do?
update Jan 21 2013 Today is the national day of service. Need a place to volunteer? Check out the Senior Corps or Volunteermatch
update May 20 2013 Volunteerism by older Americans is at a 10 year high with 3 billion hours donated to helping others!